BLACK Friday is a mass social experiment implemented by the UK government, it has emerged.
A top secret unit within Whitehall, named the Orwellian Society of Good Fellows, has for years been working on the experiment.
Rogue Ferret has secured the minutes of their inaugural meeting, held in disused war bunker near St Albans, on September 13, 2007. In the minutes, the aim of the society is stated thus: “To discover just how fucking gullible the citizens of the UK have become.”
A senior member of the Orwellian Society, speaking on condition of anonymity, said: “There was a general feeling in 2007 that Britain had reached an ‘idiocracy tipping point’, or to put it in language the plebs might understand ‘everyone was thick as pig shit meaning conditions were right for politicians to pull all sorts of devious crap and get away with it’.
“However, we had no way of gauging just how dumb people were, so we came up with the idea of importing Black Friday from America.
“America is an incredibly dim society, so we reasoned that if Black Friday became popular over here, then we could advise government ministers they could pretty much do what they like. How else would Osborne have gotten away with his Welfare Reforms?
“Black Friday is basically a litmus test of gullibility.”
A spokesman for the Consortium of Big Shops, which runs all Britain’s major retailers, including Tesco, John Lewis and M&S, confirmed they had been part of the experiment.
He said: “What we do is double the price of our products in the weeks before Black Friday then return them to normal on the day. Whack a big bright label on them with ‘whopping 50% off’ written on it and before you know it they’ll be fighting over them in the aisles.
“It’s a bit sad really.”
But consumers approached by Rogue Ferret were less concerned with the revelations. Samantha Lowry, who has already started queuing out front a Currys in Halifax, said: “Must buy shiny things.”
Behind her in the line was dad-of-two James Rowlins. He stated: “Must buy shiny things.”