POLITICIANS have agreed to rename party manifestos ‘bucket lists’.
The move comes after it emerged MPs’ track record for delivering on pledges was worse than Hull City’s away form.
Labour leader Ed Miliband said his party’s bucket list now contained a vow to give tradesmen free cups of tea and Hob Nobs, as well as a guaranteed lifetime of threesomes with attractive models for any current Labour leader.
David Cameron also got in on the act, promising voters a Tory government would smile at them in a paternal and condescending way while shafting them royally – “just as we’ve always done”.
For the Greens, Natalie Bennett said her party would scrap all modes of transport that relied on “nasty fuels”, replacing them with a fleet of pink unicorns.
Finally, SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon said she would deliver the one thing Scots have always wanted – to boot English people square in the nuts.
Voter John Carmichael welcomed the new ‘bucket lists’. “I suppose they have as much basis in reality as any fucking party manifesto. Although I see no one is offering blowjobs – they’ve missed a trick there if you ask me.”