NICOLA Sturgeon has told English voters they have nothing to fear if the SNP holds the balance of power after the May 7 election – as long as they enjoy incest and country dancing.
The SNP leader said her party would act responsibly if given a role in government, by introducing laws making it illegal for English people to marry anyone other than a family member.
“Of course, there will be a few wee other demands,” she added. “We’ll be wanting, for example, all those nukes to be moved, and for a bit more cash to give to our pensioners and jobless, and maybe a direct high-speed rail link to Europe, and, well treasure… let’s start with the Crown Jewels.
“Then there’s the country dancing – that’s non-negotiable. Every Englishman will have to be able to complete a Strip the Willow within six months, or else we’ll set Susan Boyle on them.”
Sturgeon said her party did consider introducing more casual racism – “but it seems you have that pretty well covered ‘down sawff’”.
However, David Cameron said the possibility of the SNP in government was “truly terrifying”.
“Know that bit in The Ring when the freaky Japanese girl starts climbing out the well, then out from the TV set straight towards you? It’ll be a bit like that.”