THOUSANDS of criminals have been vindicated after it emerged judges are wankers.
Career criminal Jordan McVey, currently on day release from a burglary sentence, is demanding his jail time be reduced after the revelations surrounding courtly onanism.
He said: “I was given five years for doing basically fuck all. So, yeah, I shouted ‘wanker’ at the judge and what happens? The bawbag gives me an extra six months!
“So, like, if I was right and the old bastard is a wanker then I should get the six months back, right?”
Mr McVey’s lawyer said his client’s appeal is a test case that could have wide-ranging implications for British justice.
Stefan Winslow, QC, said: “If we win, it could open the floodgates. Convicted persons will be scouring court documents looking for ‘wanker’ references that may have influenced their sentences.
“Really, we should have seen this coming, if you’ll excuse the pun.
“I think we now need to see the introduction of legislation that compels judges to prove they are not wankers prior to hearing a case. Only then can we be sure justice is being meted out by a respectable person, not some grubby old perv in jizz-stained robes.”