ED ‘Two Kitchens’ Miliband has hit back at David Cameron, claiming the prime minister has two bondage dungeons in his £2m Notting Hill townhouse.
In a withering attack during Prime Minister’s Questions in the Commons, the Labour leader branded Mr Cameron ‘a complete gimp, and a posh one at that’.
Mr Miliband added: “Surely one dungeon is enough for any man? I mean, how much kinky sex does this guy need to have? Instead of running the country, the right honourable gentleman seems to prefer being hoggtied and thrashed on the gonads with birch saplings. Or something like that – I’m not quite sure how all that works.”
Mr Miliband went on to claim that Mr Cameron’s nickname for his wife, Sam Cam – which is commonly construed as an abbreviated for of Samantha Cameron – is in fact a sexual reference. He said: “Just put an ampersand where the ‘a’ is and you’ll get my meaning. That’s right, S&M – I rest my case.”
In his defence, Mr Cameron insisted he only had two bondage dungeons ‘as a stop-gap’ while his main chamber was being upgraded.
“Some of the chains and hoists had seen better days,” he said. “They’ve had to endure a lot of stress, and what with the bodily fluids and dampness down in the basement rust was beginning to set in, making them a real danger.
“The new dungeon will be state-of-the-art. I’ve promised the Americans they can have it for rendition, so long as Sam and I aren’t using it. Obviously.”