RUSSIAN president Vladimir Putin is taking his ball back unless he gets to play up front, it has emerged.
World leaders collectively sighed and muttered “for fuck’s sake, not again” as Putin lobbed his non-westernised toys out of the pram.
British Prime Minister David Cameron said: “His first touch is shit, he doesn’t track back and if you don’t watch out he’ll annex some unsuspecting region. Scarily similar to Mario Balotelli, actually.”
Mr Cameron said he was considering taking away his jacket, which is acting as goalpost, in response to Putin’s threat.
“Thing is, he’ll probably just replace it with a can, or a branch or a Kalashnikov.”
Mr Putin, who also insists teammates call him ‘the Great Bear’, said: “Can you play the football with no ball? No, you cannot. So fuck you.”
In response, the leaders of Nato issued a strongly worded press release condemning Putin’s language, but added: “He has a point. I suppose we could use a sheep’s bladder, but it just wouldn’t be the same.”