BRITISH security forces have for centuries been fighting a covert war against gerbils, it has been revealed.
MI5 and MI6 admitted a secretive unit inside the secret service has been involved in a war of attrition with the animals since the 14th century.
A sorethroat within the security services said: “Gerbils operate like the Illuminati in a Dan Brown novel, but are more believable.
“They announced their presence on the world stage in the 1300s by introducing a biological weapon, commonly known as the Black Death, which killed about 200 million people. We kind of started taking them seriously after that.”
The sorethroat went on to apologise to rats for blackening their good name by linking them to the plague. He said: “We had to find a scapegoat – or should that be ‘scaperat’ – get it?”
British Prime Minister David Cameron said security chiefs had briefed him on the situation.
“Look, they could be spinning me a load of old horseshit as usual, but apparently some of the worst atrocities and conflicts in world history have been instigated by gerbils – the English Civil War, the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand and Chaz and Dave to name but a few.
“It also appears that Hitler was, in fact, part gerbil. Which explains the tash.”
Having inveigled their way into thousands of households as family pets, gerbils are extremely difficult to eradicate, a gerbil fighter within the secretive secret unit said.
“We can’t just go around bumping off the fluffy little fuckers. Kids would go apeshit!
“We tried using polonium-coated water bottles in their cages, but that had some unforeseen side effects.
“However, turns out they love a big wheel, so for the last 50 years we’ve been installing them wherever we can. It keeps them amused. And stops them plotting to kill everyone.”