IN A new chilling video, IS militants have threatened to execute a US hostage unless confectionary bar Snickers reverts to its old name of Marathon.
The new clip released online shows American pilot Buck Avery kneeling on the ground flanked by masked, AK47-wielding gunmen.
One of the militants then steps forward and reads a prepared statement in Arabic, translated as follows:
“We, the Islamic State, take this opportunity to warn Western governments that their rebranding is offensive to the Prophet and, more to the point, seriously pisses us off.
“Let it be known that we will execute this hostage within 24 hours unless Snickers is once again known as Marathon, the name first granted it by Allah, praise his name.
“And while you’re at it, we would like Starbursts to once again be sold as Opal Fruits and for moustaches to be obligatory, even for women.”
A spokesman for confectionary giant Nestle, makers of Snickers, said: “It’s often said these guys want to take us back to medieval times, but judging from this they’re all about the eighties in Britain. I mean, what next, demands for a truckload of ZX Specturms, retro porn and legwarmers?
“In point of fact, Snickers has always been Snickers – it was only in the UK we decided to use Marathon as it was easier for you dim-witted dweebs to understand.”
When this point was put to IS, a spokesman for the so-called caliphate put down his Rubik’s Cube and said: “Oh, right. In that case we’ll have to return to the drawing board and come back with another unrealistic demand. Maybe reruns of Knightrider and the A-Team back to back on every channel for a year, something like that.”