BEAVERS have seized the UK’s nuclear deterrent and are now in control of large swathes of Scotland, First Minister Nicola Sturgeon has admitted.
Re-introduced to areas of Argyll five years ago, the population has exploded, but only now has it emerged that an unspecified number of the creatures have developed advanced cognitive ability.
Ms Sturgeon, speaking from a fortified bunker near Peebles, said: “These so-called ‘clever beavers’ have apparently been planning this for some time. Last night they took out the electricity along the western seaboard and disrupted communications.
“Their initial target was Faslane Nuclear Base, which they overran with ease. It has always been SNP policy to dismantle Trident, but we had no contingency for the nukes being nabbed by beavers.
“This would never have happened if we’d carted the bloody missiles off to Wales.”
Having secured the nuclear facility, the beavers surged inland, seizing control of all the institutions of power.
“They’ve gnawed their way through most of the Scottish Parliament,” Ms Sturgeon confirmed. “I always said there was too much wood used in its construction.”
As yet, the beavers have not issued a list of demands, although British military sources say satellite images suggest the animals are mustering on the Scottish border.
Military analyst Craig Armstrong said: “These beavers have been raised in the wilds of Scotland on a diet of bark and casual racism. Chances are they’ll be looking to invade England, especially considering the outcome of last year’s referendum.”